| So |
[May. 21st, 2006|12:52 am] |
So I had this really stupid entry that I decided was prolly better if I didnt share. So this will have to surfice for my update.
Stuff happened.
Nothing changed.
End of update |
|
|
| Ever want someone to go away? |
[Apr. 27th, 2006|11:31 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | figure it out | ] |
| [ | music |
| | billy joel - tell her about it | ] |
Have you ever wanted someone to just go away. You never want to see them again. You dont want them to be part of your life and you dont want to be part of their's. Im not saying I want them to die cuz thats not what I want at all, I merely want them to go away and never hear about them ever again.
The only problem with this is how I would handle it, ie not so well. Thus I am in the situation I am.
Ive concluded that I need to not care about anyone cause it just makes it hurt more when they do things that you see to be a terrible mistake. I guess no matter how much you "know" you found someone worth caring about and worth hurting for you are wrong. Or maybe its just me, cuz I thought I did and now Im pretty sure I was wrong.
Its like that feeling when you loose the best thing that ever happened to you. Well I lost the 2 best thing that ever happened to me within a year of each other. I know there are other things in life but I had ntohing else at that time. I have now partially replaced some of what I lost but nothing can truly replace them other than themselves.
I cant help thinking that things could have been different if said things rather than just live in the moment. I hate myself for it more and more everyday. I had the same goals, hopes, and dreams but I never talked about it. THere is nothing I can do now about it but that doesnt change the fact that everyday I wish I could go back to one very specific conversation. I remember it like it was yesterday but I know that the only other person who was there has absolutely no clue what Im talkin about. Honestly I do not remeber what I said but I know what I would say if I had another shot at that conversation.
THe reason I am so depressed right now and have been for moths is my fault and nobody else's. I could have changed my entire life for the better had that conversation went the way I can see it going now. I blame no one, except maybe the one we do not speak of, for my lack of vocalization of my thoughts, plans, and ambitions.
Fuck me.
My life will never be the same as it was before that day. Im not saying that I want it to be the same but there were alot of things that I had before that day that I will never have again.
Damn I wish I could die, acidental death preferablly. I just cudnt do suicide, but my building collapsing or getting stuck in a burning building or even a T accident Im really ok with not being here anymore.
I know alot of thigs doesnt make any sense to most of you, and if you want clarification ask and perhaps Ill share.
6/13/2004 - This date may mean nothing to you or it may mean something very dear. For me its the latter. |
|
|
| Lets Start the New Year Off Right |
[Jan. 1st, 2006|05:46 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
This year is going to suck very much, I can tell already. But hopefully it wont suck as much as this one did, or at least as much as the last 6 months have. I cant deal with another six months like this, Im not gonnna make it. I guess I just keep hoping things will get better but as soon as they seem to improve slightyly, shit goes down and things get worse than before.
I just need it all to end. I cant take it anymore, I have so many questions that are still unanswered and I cant get answers for them. Im becoming someone I never thoguht I could become and I really dont like it at all. I guess its my fault cuz I just care to damn much, shame on me.
The worst part is no matter how much people can try to make things better it cant help, but I do appreciate you all trying very much. There is only one person who can make it all stop and answer all my questions but she's not ready to know the answers I need.
I just want it to end. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 31st, 2005|05:20 pm] |
| You're an Expert Kisser | 
You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity
You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off
And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave
When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable |
|
|
|
| Another Depressive Entry |
[Dec. 17th, 2005|12:58 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  troubled | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Scenes From and Italian Restaurant | ] |
I know it seems all I ever write about is depressive. The reason for this is I never feel the need to write when I dont feel like a million bricks are being thrown at me two at a time.
So classes are finally over for eight months which is very exciting however, in these last few months I have come to a number of conclusions. Most of which I wont be sharing here and alot which I wont being sharing with anyone anytime soon.
I know what I want in life. I figured it out. As scaring as it is I know exactly where I want to be one year from now, hell I konw where I want to be right now. I feel as though I have come to these conclusions too late. I konw that I have always had these feelings deep down but were always afraid to share them because of past experiences. I want to share them all now, but I feel like if I do it will only make things worse for all parties involved.
Another thing to add to all these feelings of mine is in regards to how I have been acting, as far as my friendships go. I guess Im just not as experienced at being a friend as I should be at my age. I know to true friends that really doesnt make a difference but I still have to apologize for doin it, nobody deserves to be treated poorly, no matter what.
I know all this crap prolly makes no sense to most of you reading, cuz honestly it doesnt even make a whole lot of sense to me. I just hope the people who do understand what I am saying take it in and think about it, because if you understand what I am getting at, there is a good chance ur involved.
Thanks for listening all, and if anyone wants more information i can only do that in person and for the most part I will be willing to talk about most of it, so just let me know. |
|
|
| Why do I do this to her |
[Dec. 6th, 2005|11:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | miserable | ] |
So
For those of you who do not already know, I am quite a troubled man. I
really wish I knew why I feel the need to make myself feel this
miserable and at the same time upset her in the process
On a side note classes are done tomorrow. Four finals next week and
then Im done for 8 months. I love coop, but well see how i feel bout
that 4 months from now. Now all I need to work on is stop being an
idiot/masicist/bad person. |
|
|
| Quizes |
[Dec. 1st, 2005|09:55 am] |
| You Are Pumpkin Pie | 
You're the perfect combo of uniqueness and quality
Those who like you are looking for something (someone!) special |
| Your Hidden Talent | 
You're super sensitive and easily able to understand situations.
You tend to solve complex problems in a flash, without needing a lot of facts.
Decision making is easy for you. You have killer intuition.
The right path is always clear, and you're a bit of a visionary. |
| You Passed 8th Grade Math | 
Congratulations, you got 10/10 correct! |
| You Are 19 Years Old | 
Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.
13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.
20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.
30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!
40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. |
|
|
|
| I guess Im here now... |
[Nov. 6th, 2005|07:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | gloomy | ] |
Not quitre sure why I joined. But maybe now Ill actually read other people's more often, which cud be gud I spose.
But anyway, im not really sure who this thing works but Im sure ill get the hang of it. I guess thats it for now but Im sure Ill b back later. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
skiske5's journal